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Starting over again is one of the toughest things a person can be asked to do. But most of us, at one point in our lives, are forced to do exactly that. Whether you're reeling from the loss of a loved one, the estrangement of a partner, or the severance from a job, taking control of your new circumstances is an important part of turning around your life. Here are some tips on how to do exactly that.
1. Distract yourself. Maybe you're going through a lengthy divorce that's stressful and saps the energy right from you. Or maybe you've simply split with the person you loved. Whatever it is, dwelling on your loss is a recipe for disaster. Your mind is a beautiful tool, but when it dwells on the past it keeps you from enjoying the present. The object isn't to destroy the past — that would be irresponsible — but rather to put the past away until we're healthy enough to deal with what happened.
- Lean on your friends and family. Your friends, especially, are a great distraction. Maybe schedule an ice-cream and movie night with your girlfriends, where you watch crummy (but awesome, really) movies with the people who understand you best. Or go out camping with your best buds, where you fish and grill your catch over an open fire (kudos to you if you start it without matches!). Whatever you choose to do, involve your friends. They will help you remember that there is more to life than one person.
- Remove from sight all reminders of the love you lost. You don't have to burn all the pictures of your ex-spouse or former love, but you probably should put them away into safe-keeping. Again, the purpose isn't to deny that the other person existed; it's to keep them out of sight and out of mind until you're in a safe enough place emotionally to deal with the fact maturely and responsibly.
- It's okay to get away, for a while. If you feel like all of your memories of your former life are tied to one place, consider taking a short vacation. Go someplace that you've always wanted to go but never had the chance to visit: maybe India, maybe Europe, maybe somewhere nearby that still feels foreign. This is about you, so don't be afraid to treat yourself a little. Being in a new place will keep away memories of your former love, at least for a while, and you'll be able to indulge your curiosity like you're a kid in a candy shop. Plan on going back home after at most a month.
2. Understand what went wrong. Hopefully, you still want put yourself out there and eventually find someone you deeply and genuinely connect with. In order to do this, acknowledge that you might need to fix a few things about your habits, your personality, and your reactions. None of us are perfect, but the ones who succeed in relationships are capable of making adjustments when they need to.
- Consider talking to a relationship expert or psychologist. Relationship experts understand what makes relationships work and what dooms them to die. Talking with a professional will help you understand the aspects of your former relationship that you'll need to change moving forward.
- Write a letter or email to your ex asking for feedback. Don't be confrontational, or blame them for the failed relationship, whatever you do. Your goal here isn't to settle the score, it's to understand what went wrong. Tell them you're trying to improve as a human being, and want honest feedback from someone who knows you well. Ask him or her politely to list any of the things they believe seriously hurt the relationship, and what you might have done differently in a perfect world. Take the things they say to heart; they're not trying to hurt you, even if it seems that way. A nice, well-meaning letter can go a long way toward healing your relationship with the person. Even if it only means you stay on friendly terms, it's a huge step in the right direction.
- Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Separating from someone you love dearly can leave you feeling a lot of things. Don't only blame the other person for what went wrong: the blame-game is a two-way street. Instead of letting that guilt or that resentment fester inside, let go of it. Blame will only make you a bitter person; if you work to fix the problems you had in the past relationship, there's no reason to feel guilty. Try to leave all that ill-will behind, so that the next time you fall in love, you'll give your lover all the trust they deserve and all the confidence you have.
3. Slowly put yourself out there again. Dating after a breakup is a lot like getting back into the job market: if you wait too long in between engagements, people will start wondering if there's something wrong with you (even if it's a totally ridiculous suspicion). It's okay to mourn the loss of a loved one, but the longer you keep yourself away from other people, the harder it'll be to get back on the train when it starts moving again.
- Ask your friends to set you up. Your friends are great judges of your character. They know what makes you click and what makes you fume. Asking them to set you up with someone could turn out beneficial. You both know the same person or group of people, which means you're more likely than not to get along. Just don't blame your friends if you two don't hit it off; your friends meant well, and couldn't know whether or not you'd click. Go into the date, however, optimistic that you deserve love in life and excited about meeting a new person.
- Try internet dating. The internet has revolutionized the way we interact and connect with people in the 21st century. Internet dating is low-stress and high-reward; you get to choose the people you want to message without embarrassing the people you want to stay away from. If you do decide to give internet dating a whirl, make sure to fill out your profile in an honest fashion. That means putting up an accurate (but flattering!) picture and being forthright about your likes and dislikes. You wouldn't want to go to a date with someone and find out they're totally different from what their profile suggests, so why do that to another person?
- It's okay to test the waters, as long as you're honest. Okay, so maybe you don't want anything committed right now, seeing as how you just stepped out of a serious relationship. It's okay to get into low-commitment relationships, just as long as the other person knows that's what is happening. Maybe you shouldn't tell them about your other relationship right away, but tell them — before things get intimate — that you're not looking for a committed relationship. This will help both parties: it'll attract the right type of people to you, and spare the other person the heartbreak that you so recently felt.
